I haven’t been sleeping good. I stare at the ceiling wondering where I went wrong. It seems like a series of bad decisions that make up my life. When I sleep at least I can dream because waking feels more like a nightmare. I can dream when I’m asleep about the desires God’s placed into my heart. I want to learn to fly airplanes. I want to do mission work in Africa. I wan tot help people. I want to travel everywhere. I want to love deeply. The kind you feel and are so passionate about that it consumes every part of my being.
I have felt this love before. It’s the kind that is a connection on such a deeper level than day to day living. I’m talking about spiritual, mental, physical… a bond felt over miles and a feeling like something is missing when you’re apart. You can feel each others thoughts by looking into their eyes. You enjoy the same games and movies and pass times. The conversation can go on for hours and it’s so invigorating that it energizes you like caffeine. The passion runs deep. It consumes you and fulfills you. Something untouchable to anyone but the two of you. His touch awakens your soul. Leaves you wanting more no matter how many times you feel it. Together, you make one another stronger. You can defeat this war in life. Just the two of you. You get their jokes even if no one else is laughing. You are genuinely interested in their hopes, dreams, and desires. But this love- this love ended. And life went on and without this love I feel dead inside. I have God but God can’t touch me. God can’t hold me. God can’t audibly speak back.
A waking nightmare is when I look back and wonder where I went wrong because there’s no passion. There’s no hope. My dreams have been crushed. This love I’m living is real. It’s there every day. But this love doesn’t know me. I am screaming inside to be understood and respected and encouraged to strive for greatness. I am not. I am pulled down. I cannot be me. I am stupid for wanting these desires so deep within. To him, I am a failure. I am worthless. I am supposed to be a mom and that’s it.
So I pray. I want more from this life. I know Christ didn’t pace any of these longings inside of me to watch me squirm because I can never reach them. He placed them inside of me because when I walk in them I am in my element. I am me. I am refreshed and alive and I can’t stop smiling because I am living my dreams. I am walking toward my visions. I am a better me so I can help others be better too. God uses us. He turns our pain into power. Gives us beauty for ashes. The struggles that we face we can use to help others who face those same struggles and maybe help them to make better decisions in the midst of them so that the outcome isn’t their nightmare. I want to use mine. I want to reach out. I want to get my story out there so that I can touch someone with what I’ve been through. But I am dead. Where I am right now I cannot help anyone because I’m not allowed to grow. I’m not allowed to even be me. Is this what He wants for me? God, I mean. Or did I make a decision that wasn’t in alignment with His will?
I just don’t know. What I know is I feel like a caged bird. I know he’ll use me where I’m at if I honor him. Today, for example, I was teaching 5th grade. A boy passed me a note saying that he didn’t want to live and no one liked him and he was different so he just wanted to die. He also would not talk to anyone but me. I know prayer isn’t allowed in public school but I prayed over him. As I did, his tears slowly stopped streaming down his face and he began to smile. I know that was my job. I know I was there for a reason. I knew how to handle that because I have been there. I told him that. I also told him to not be afraid of being different. I said everyone is made for a purpose and he is going to do something great with his life. I said if you were a goldfish but you lived in the forest and everyone expected you to fly like an eagle could you? He said no. I said that’s because if ur a fish you’re meant to swim in the sea. That eagle couldn’t swim either. But you, you could swim so fast! I’m thankful that I was there today. But I guess it’s got me wondering why I am in the sea? I am meant to fly. I am meant to soar so all of the things and people that can’t see why it’s because they’re not me. They’re different. They’re content in their niche. I am not. If I don’t do something I am no good to anyone. I can be a great Betty Homemaker but it’s not my niche. I need to find where I belong.